Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
