naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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