he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
