i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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