he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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