So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
