guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think pants incapable of making pants work
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
