I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize