It's like God shit irony all over that family
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize