I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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