I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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