Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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