he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
