There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
