if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
