Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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