The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i dont even know how to be here
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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