So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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