Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
