what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
