i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
