I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
