Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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