Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
