apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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