I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
