i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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