I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
