forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
