sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
