Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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