don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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