when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
