i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
