I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
