I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How does one acquire holy water?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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