I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
