im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
