is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
