TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
