had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize