We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
