it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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