is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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