well you can't waste a boner
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
