Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
