just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize