she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
