woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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