It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
