went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
