Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
