i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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