the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
