is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
