Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
