All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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