im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
