jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
